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  PowerPlay περιοδικό

PPM Magazine Exclusive! Why Canada Snubbed It's Hockey Stars!


As the main event of the Winter Olympics is about to commence it has been widely noted that despite their expressed desires numerous Canadian (and other) world-class hockey players will not be competing. Canadian team management has given many reasons for the snubs including factors like injury or chemistry or history. But as is normal with these decisions there are always often valid questions as to why such and such selection was made over such and such. After some thorough Laos-based investigative journalism it can now be revealed the real reasons why some of Canada's best hockey talent will be spectators instead of participants in Sochi, Russia.

Dan Boyle: Despite nearly point-a-game in Vancouver Ken Holland lobbied hard to keep Boyle off this roster. That electrical fire that destroyed Boyle's house back in 2004? Ken Holland lost his prized first generation Charizard pokemon to Boyle's Feebas and was an unreported loss of that blaze, a double insult Holland cannot forgive. Long memories in the Pokemon world, apparently.

Logan Couture: A wrist injury is just a cover story. Couture is actually an untreated pathological Russophile. Evgeni Nabokov's decline in play due to Couture's constant starry-eyed admiration and affection is perfectly inverted with Couture's increased playing time on the San Jose Sharks, a correlation that would be irresponsible not to speculate upon. It was feared by Shark and Olympic management alike that Logan would utterly embarrass himself off the ice in Sochi in an explosion of feels.

Corey Crawford: Last year’s Stanley Cup Champion, Crawford could not beat out Mike Smith for the third goalie spot on Team Canada because Smith beat Crawford in a best of one, then best of three, then best of five, then finally a best of seven game of rock-paper-scissors before Steve Yzerman declared enough was enough. Corey Crawford really stinks at rock-paper-scissors.

Marc-Andre Fleury: Little known fact about Russia: Hyphenated first names are prohibited from getting visas into the country. Russian Francophilia was actively expunged during the communist revolution in 1917, and nobody has bothered to undo this petty law since. Wouldn't have mattered how good your year has been, Flower.

Claude Giroux: BFF Giroux and Bobby Ryan pinky-swore that if one didn't go to Sochi neither would the other.

Taylor Hall: Taylor Hall's father was a member of Canada's Olympic bobsleigh team in the '80's but an injury prevented him from competing in the '88 Olympiad in Calgary. A leading astrologist of the Rasputin school advised superstitious Team Canada management against tempting speedy but injury-prone Hall on wide open international ice. The stars, and not national affiliation, had everything to do with that advice the mystic claims.

James Neal: One of the highest goal scorers in the NHL over the previous two season spending most of his time on Russian Evgeni Malkin’s wing, it's believed Neal has developed complex and contradicting competitive motivations.

Brent Seabrook: In stark contrast to Giroux/Ryan, teammates Duncan Keith and Seabrook have had a severe falling out. It's all they can do to honour their contracts and continue playing a boy's game for millions of dollars on the same team. Only unfeeling monsters would want them to represent Canada on the biggest stage together as well.

Tyler Seguin: While Seguin has been compared to Steve Yzerman it was Yzerman himself who balked at the chance of adding Seguin to Team Canada. Yzerman's explanation was that much like his own history as a player and a person Seguin needs some maturation. When Seguin declined an autograph from his childhood idol it struck Yzerman at the time as something like his old self, adding “Who does that?! I'm Stevie 'Y'! I'm 'The Captain'!”

Eric Staal: A first over-all draft selection, member of the rarefied Triple Gold Club, a superhumanly durable 98% game attendance and brother of three other quality professional hockey players, it was decided by Team Canada management that Eric needed a bit of an intervention to lead a more full and varied life. Making a childhood dream come true Eric will be spending the Olympic break in his black pyjamas at Ninja Camp.

Joe Thornton: After winning gold at the 2002 and 2010 Olympics and silver in between with forwards largely comprised of centres it was decided that Team Canada would give themselves more of a challenge by icing more natural wingers instead. Sorry Jumbo, but you drew the short straw.